Sometimes I think I am the best one in the room.
I’m hoping you can relate.
I don’t say it exactly.
I think it.
My thoughts don’t sound like it.
My actions prove otherwise.
I pay less attention to what my thoughts sound like.
More attention to what my actions uncover.
Not so much anymore, but earlier in my life,
I thought I was the worst in the room.
I’m hoping you can relate.
I definitely said it.
Mostly to myself.
Sounded like,
“I’m a piece of s-.
I am not worthy.”
Or,
“You’re better than me.
I am not enough.”
Two different stories.
Same center.
Same reference point.
Me.
Aren’t I special …
If I’m the smartest,
I’ve put everyone beneath me.
If I’m the biggest fraud,
I‘ve put everyone above me.
Either way, the room revolves around me.
I told you I was special.
Ego in either direction.
In my head, reverse ego can sound humble.
It can feel so bad I can confuse it with humility.
It can lead to actions that appear to be humble.
It isn’t, and they’re not.
At least mine wasn’t and isn’t.
Mine is specialness.
I’m the center.
Positive specialness says I’m exceptional.
Negative specialness says I’m inadequate.
Both assume I am something.
Both are still about me.