I keep wanting more control.

I want to believe I don’t.

My actions inform me otherwise.

It reveals that if I think hard enough,

plan well enough,

or say the right thing

at the right time

I think,

want,

try

to control everything.

My experience is that control is an illusion

I reach for when I feel exposed.

When things are moving.

When outcomes are still forming.

What is real is influence.

I can influence the system

through my decisions,

my actions,

my participation.

I influence it by what I say,

what I reinforce,

what I avoid,

what I delay,

what I’m willing to contribute

while things are still moving.

That matters.

It isn’t the same as control.

Control wants the whole outcome.

Influence asks how I will show up

inside what is already moving.

That’s the part that humbles me.

Because accepting influence,

instead of control,

means accepting

that my part is smaller

than my ego wants.

More meaningful than my fear admits.

Control is what I reach for

when I don’t want to surrender

to relationship.